I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
