I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
