I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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