I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
