so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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