I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
