i love accidental penises.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
