after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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