Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
