Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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