i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
