So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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