I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
