My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
