Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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