I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
