why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
