Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
