how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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