she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
