I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
