I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Holy sore nipples Batman
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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