Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
