Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
