her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
