There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
