I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
