Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
