Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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