i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
