You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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