Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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