She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I woke up under a house in Key West
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