Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
