1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
