he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
