Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
