I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
