Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
