I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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