OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
