I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
