This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
