i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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