at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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