The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
