In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
