If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
