Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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