Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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